day 698 - May 23rd, 2013 12:40am - yesterday, i heard a little bird in pain. my cat was attacking it and it was flying around the house, the poor little thing. i managed to lock the cat away and hold the terrified bird in my hands. i made sure it was okay, stroking it a little, and then it flew out of my hands, into the sky. only a few hours later, i heard another bird in pain, caused by the same cat. this time it was so much worse. feathers were ripped, its eye was bleeding. i held it in my arms again, it was so frightened it did not want to move. their heart was beating so fast and i could feel it tingle my fingertips with every beat. i was so scared, i cried. never did i feel i had death in my hands as much as was in the bird yesterday. i did not think it would make it, it seemed slowly losing their struggle of life. i propped the bird upon the roof of the shed and let it be for minutes. i did not know where the bird would best be, closer to the sky or to the ground? i went back outside, and it was gone. 

ever since that, i have been finding feathers everywhere. walking to the bus, i found several, walking home, i found even more. even though it is obviously not true, it is nice to feel the birds are watching over me. i really hope the birds i helped are okay and warm now. 

day 694 - May 19th, 2013 3:41am - when i get extremely sad, uncontrollably sad, i enter this stage of disgusting euphoric carelessness, like my body is just separating itself finally for a fleeting moment. often in that moment i pretend i am dancing in a room with someone that i never look up at, i never open my eyes to see. maybe i am dancing with the ghosts of the past, the ones that only seem to see how sad i can get in the early hours. i feel that the carelessness of the dream within me consumes my body and allows me to be part of a world that i can never be within. in the end, we are all shadows dancing by ourselves.